Dear Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

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It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing to you. I’ve been preoccupied and overwhelmed by a lot of things since the last time I wrote. I haven’t been feeling well, and honestly, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. A friend told me that this might help me feel better.

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A lot has happened since I last wrote to you. Had a hell of a tough time in high school. Been in and out faith recently, sorry about that. Juggling life has been difficult, and honestly been feeling kind of lost and confused. Oh, and I forget to mention, your little man was diagnosed with anxiety and depression while that all happened. 

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I also had to drop out of high school cause I couldn’t handle it. Mom and Dad felt that school was doing no good for me too. We’re doing well though now. Mom, Dad, and Ariane all have been supportive. Couldn’t ask for a better family, but everybody has also been getting stressed once in a while. Sometimes it could get really sad too. 

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I’m still with Zahra too, by the way. She’s always been by my side through this, and she always loved and cared about your little man. Honestly don’t know where I would be right now with her and everyone else. I wished you could’ve met her, I know for a fact you would like her.

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Grandma’s Alzheimer’s has been getting worse, which kind of sucks. Now we know how you must’ve felt when you were just alone together. We’re taking care of her too through all this, it’s been stressful though. The constant confusion, yelling, and episodes have been getting us worn out. Sometimes it saddens me to see her go through her episodes.

 

After I left high school, I went homeschooling for a while. Honestly, it wasn't easy. Just didn’t have the motivation to do anything when I was learning. I tried my best though to make it work. I was isolated from the world kind of too when that happened. A lot of people didn’t know what I went through, I distanced myself from my friends, took a lot of medications, and went through all kinds of episodes and tantrums.

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Things got better towards late June. I wrote some stuff about how I’ve been feeling and going through to help people who were going through the same. Many people saw it on my Instagram account. Honestly that made me feel better, knowing that a lot of people were there for me. It kind of gave me hope because at the time I felt hopeless. I honestly wrote it also so people knew what had happened to me and because I wanted to let it all out. I wanted to feel like I could get better and have a new beginning. A thousand people saw it, and I genuinely felt like I was helping and making people understand.

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It kind of got worse though. After I posted that, I found out that some people used to see me cry when I had episodes back in high school. Instead of helping, these guys called me a ‘wuss’ and a ‘f****t’. Some of them were people I thought I trusted. Honestly, I don’t think that memory will ever leave my head. It sucks cause I thought I was going to be better too after I wrote all of that, but when I found out, the voices started coming back, and I started having episodes again.

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Mom and Dad were there though. They helped me feel better, told me that I wasn’t the pathetic one. Everybody was there to assure me that I wasn’t all the words that my head and people say I was. After that incident, I started taking medications again.

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It’s hard having this, cause sometimes you can be perfectly okay, but all of a sudden, a certain word rings in your head. Then it just keeps repeating and shouting that you’re something you’re not. Sadly a lot of people don’t get that, and they think you’re just over-reacting, and being an attention seeker. I want to change that one day.

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There’s an upside to this story though. It’s been almost three months since that happened, and I feel better now. I’m talking with my friends again and having fun. Your little man also accelerated his way to college. I’m back in learning now, studying business at this nice school. I have time and energy to do things I always wanted to do too. I’m skateboarding again and learning how to take photos. I’m not good at it but I’ll get there. Oh, and I have a job, writing for a mental health zine. Best of all, I’m not taking medication anymore, and even though I get sad from time to time, I find ways to control it.

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I got sad the past few days cause I’ve been feeling like I’m getting sick again. My head has been feeling off, and  I  just haven’t had any motivation to do a lot of things. Though, after writing this, I guess my friend’s right. I feel better about myself as I write this letter to you. Hopefully, I still have hope left in me to keep pushing forward.

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The reason I wrote this letter was that I’ve been thinking about everything that I went through these past few years. As I think, the one thought that keeps popping in my head is that I have to move forward, and start anew. The only way I think I could do that is by leaving it out here for you. 

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When I lost you on my birthday two years ago, a part of me was still in mourning, until now it has. Now I realize that I shouldn’t mourn anymore. Now I realize that I have to practice what I preach and settle my past and grow to be better. I’ve missed you so much. There’s not a day in my life that I don’t think about you. You were always such a big part of my life that it’s strange not to see you here. That’s okay. It’s time for a new beginning. It’s time for me not to mourn you, but have your words live in my memories as pieces of hope. For me to keep pushing and become the man I wish you could see me be.

 

Thank you for everything. I hope you’re doing great up there.

 

I love you, Grandpa. 

 

Forever and always. To infinity and beyond.

 

Sincerely, Aero.