Unexpected Gap Year

Ghina Furqan 

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have gap year before starting my first day of university. In  my conservative Asian and Muslim household, taking a gap year was uncommon so I went straight into  my very first semester of university after graduating from my sixth form college. I haven’t taken a proper  break ever since; I got my first job not long after graduating from undergrad studies working at a firm in  Jakarta, then my work contract ended, and the world went into lockdown mode. The circumstances, from  the job market being in shambles to already having completed school, sort of pushed me into taking a  pause which I was grateful for and frustrated by all at the same time. The year 2020 might just be the  proper break from everything that I’ve longed for, the gap year I never got to have, a new beginning full  of hope... or so I thought. 

It’s funny how the Universe gave me what I wanted in ways I wouldn’t have expected. I never could’ve  predicted that I’d be living at a time like this: unprecedented. These are strange times to live in and it was  a strange feeling – to be given the opportunity to not do anything but not know how to do nothing. I was  used to a routine, plans, structure in my days but there hasn’t been a day in 2020 that wasn’t  unpredictable. I was someone who owned a planner and would write down every daily activity or task  that needed to be done for every day of the week, today that very same planner which was a graduation  present sits on a corner of my desk collecting dust. These days I keep note of my appointments, meetings,  errands, and the rest of the day is just that: rest. I rest like I’ve never rested before, because I haven’t  gotten a chance to properly rest in between classes, travels, a 9 to 5. I’ve always been on the go and  haven’t spent much time not moving, being still, static in one place, until now. 

Being still is oddly challenging for me. I thought that it’d be easy and simple, but it’s actually not. It’s also  strange not being able to physically see people, and this is coming from someone who prefers staying  indoors. Even homebodies need to be stimulated by doses of social interactions to stay sane. I love my  family to bits and I’m so lucky to live with them again after living alone for four plus years of my life, but I  do miss my chosen family consisting of my close friends who’ve supported me throughout university and  more. I no longer live in the same city as any friends of mine; gone were our days dedicated to movie  dates, brunches, car rides together, karaoke’s, sushi and dim sum evenings, study dates at cafes, going on  a beach adventure, dinner parties, etc. I look back at those times and I feel sad-happy; sad it’s over but  happy that it happened and I get to cherish those memories. 

Sometimes I think about the moments in between those memories which I could’ve taken advantage of  but didn’t. I was quite studious during university and rarely pursued things such as a passion project which  wouldn’t be aligned with my academic journey. So perhaps a new beginning doesn’t have to be a fresh  start, perhaps it can be recovering lost times that you would’ve had if you could go back in time. For me  this has been the following: painting again which I haven’t done in a long while; playing with my uncle’s  toddlers who are growing up so fast; writing creatively with purpose; journaling to heal and bearing my  emotions without fear; pitching, submitting and self-publishing my work at last; consistently and  inconsistently creating; reading for fun and slowly crossing off books on my never-ending To Be Read list;  binge-watching movies and series on my watch list; baking whatever I want with varied outcomes; learning how to cook; taking online courses and further developing my craft; letting go of any co dependent habits I’ve internalised from the unnecessary desire I once had to please others; grieving, 

actually grieving, for all the heartbreaks, missed opportunities, sadness that wasn’t validated enough; and  discovering myself in new ways. 

These are all things I’ve thought of doing but never found the courage nor time to do. In the past, it  seemed illogical to let myself grieve for too long; I had too much on my plate to dissect emotions that  would eventually fade, but those emotions only grew louder as I tried hard to suppress them. It’s vital  now more than ever that I take my mental health seriously, and I encourage others to do so because not  only is this pandemic potentially affecting people’s respiratory system, it’s also impacting mental health.  There’s currently an emotional epidemic on the rise; not only are there new challenges in surviving the  COVID-19 pandemic, there’s pre-existing issues which are worsening thus mental resilience is key to  survival.1 Building resilience takes time and practice; there’s going to be moments when you have little to  no motivation for the day, but on other days you’ll feel energetic enough to do the small tasks like making  your bed, or maybe bigger tasks like working on a manuscript for your upcoming novel. Every day will look  different! And we mustn’t forget that everyone deserves to feel safe and secure in spite of awful  circumstances that are out of our control, so follow health and safety protocols, and take care of your  mental state of mind. 

Graduating university and not knowing where your life is headed is a frightening concept to handle,  navigating life after graduation during a time which seems like the world is collapsing is seems like an  impossible challenge to overcome, yet here I am surviving one day at a time. This has been a very boring  and anxiety-inducing gap year so far; when I imagined what it would be like to have a gap year I pictured  catching flights, documenting my adventures, exploring the world, not checking the news every day and  having panic attacks on a regular basis (they’re manageable now, thank God). I didn’t get to have a new  beginning that I wanted to have after graduation, but I’m optimistic enough to believe that this won’t be  the only gap year I will get in my lifetime. Gap year, sabbatical, a breather, leave of absence, whatever  you want to call it, rest is necessary and everyone should be given time dedicated to resting. This resting  time right now that I as well as many others are having just happens to be one spent from the comfort of  our homes instead of in a luxury resort somewhere in Bali. Here’s to making the most out these wild times  and staying sane in spite of it all!